I grew up Catholic. Attended Catholic school kindergarten through 12th grade. All my family and friends were Catholic. Catholic was just part of who I was. Part of my identity, if you will. I attended Mass every Sunday and on all those Holy Days, and I actually enjoyed the church seasons like Lent- but mostly because of the Fish Fries. After graduating college, I went into the Catholic School System again as a 3rd grade teacher.
All the while I was building my “perfect” life… my own little kingdom, if you will. And Catholicism was just a brick in that kingdom. I never doubted the existence of God, I just didn’t care. It wasn’t relevant, and it definitely wasn’t personal. From my perspective, everyone plays church and then just does their life outside of it.
So here I am building my kingdom. Got married to my best friend. Bought a house. Working a respectable job. Had a couple kids. Everything looked perfect from the outside, but it was crumbling beneath my feet. My husband was my best friend, yet I hated him at times. I really had no idea how to be a mom to these two little humans. And work… well I just decided to bring it all home… all those papers to grade and emails to respond to, so I could distract myself from the chaos in my life.
One day my husband and I got into a screaming match, and I said to him… ok yelled at him, “We need help.” Of course, in my mind, he was the problem. His parents were divorced. He served in two wars. Obviously, it’s all him.
To my surprise, he found us a Christian counselor who I truly credit for leading us both to Christ. During counseling, it was revealed that I had brought a lot of baggage into our relationship. I grew up in a dysfunctional home where emotions were not regulated, and conflict was never resolved. I had a lot of inner healing that needed to happen. My husband and I continued to see our counselor, Kristin, as a couple, but I also started seeing her individually to work through my childhood trauma. My heart became more and more open to truth as I learned I was taught a lot of things incorrectly. My life became calmer. My husband and I truly saw improvement in our marriage and parenting and no longer saw divorce as an option.
The day before she released us from counseling, my husband and I got in the biggest fight we had ever had. I ran out to my back hill, sat down, and just cried. I said, “God if you’re real, I need you right now.” And for the first time in my life, I knew He was. I felt like I was being wrapped in a hug. I kept saying, “I don’t know what to do.” But in my heart, I heard, “Be still. Be still.”
The next day we went to see Kristin. And the Holy Spirit got a hold of my husband. He literally was crying hysterically as the Holy Spirit convicted him. And Kristin, she prayed for us. Invited the Holy Spirit to start building our marriage with Christ as our foundation.
And the kingdom I had built came crashing down.
But a new foundation was laid.
Life began to radically change. Peace filled our home that was so apparent. And God gets all the credit.
We started attending church with my husband’s cousin and his wife, who mentored us and really came alongside us to show us how to walk as Christians. I became hungry for God’s word. BUT as Catholics, we’re not really taught how to read the Bible, so I read a lot of books about the Bible. Slowly, my husband started encouraging me to go look up those verses in the Bible he had bought me. I was blown away by how much I knew and didn’t know. What I thought was in the bible and what definitely wasn’t. I was not a Proverbs 31 woman, but I wanted to be.
I soon learned faith was not a hike up the mountain- you know you get to the top and that’s it. It was more like a rollercoaster, ups and downs, twists and turns, going through places you never thought possible, but WITH Jesus. And it’s the most incredible journey ever. I am not alone. I never was. I can look back now and see how seeds of true faith were being sown even when I didn’t want it, didn’t care, or couldn’t see it. And I am thrilled to NOW be a worker in the harvest sowing seeds for His glory! I built my own kingdom. God let it crumble. Then He picked up the pieces and showed me how to live as His child with my identity solely built on Him.
And that was the beginning of a good work that the Holy Spirit started in me. And I know he is faithful to carry it out to completion.